


Hot sadness

by ClaraCivry (Kat_Of_Dresden)



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Insecurity, Set on the whole Hot Space debacle, Why Did I Write This?, inspired mostly by tumblr posts I've seen floating around, le mystery, nice guy Roger, sad Brian, soft angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-02 01:15:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17878283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat_Of_Dresden/pseuds/ClaraCivry
Summary: Some Brian angst, set in the recording of Hot Space where apparently they fought a lot.Brian is unsure of his place in the band, of his place in music.He's having a bad day, just trying to get in the studio.





	Hot sadness

Brian felt wrong. Felt that he had no place in the band anymore, felt that he didn't understand them. John and Freddie kept making music that he didn't like and he was supposed to take it and not complain, hell, even be happy that the band was evolving and doing different things, new things. He was supposed to accept everything because this was Queen, and this was their band's music.

But he didn't like it, not at all. He felt left out, he felt ignored and he felt that suddenly there was an awful distance between him and the other three, the people he'd been closest to for so very long. They didn't want to hear him and he had no ideas that they would like. There were more and more changes and he had to say yes to those changes. But he didn't want to hear them, didn't want to accept them. Because the changes were awful and he hated them.

The changes meant that he had no relevance anymore on the band, no importance. And it stung and it hurt and he refused to say yes to that, say yes to being relegated to having three notes every other song. Being was relegated to a backing player, to someone who wasn't needed or wanted. He had been the guitar player on a rock band, he had left a future on science just to be with them, to be part of the band... And he was a gifted guitar player who'd earned praise from a lot of people – and now suddenly he was nobody.

They didn't need all those guitars on their new funky album, which meant that he wasn't wanted. There was no place for a rock and roll guitarist in a disco band, and that was where this was going. And he should be happy with it, and not whining about it like he was, being bitter like he was – be the bigger person.

The others had often accepted some songs of him that they didn't like, had accepted his guitar solos everywhere, even when they thought maybe the song would be better without them. And acceptance was a two-way street: if they accepted him, he would have to accept them. But it wasn't just the music.

This whole Hot Space business was creating a rift between them, and Brian felt awful about it. He felt that everything he said was wrong, he felt that his contributions were useless and nobody wanted to hear him, which made him even more sad than he already was. And sad was not the mood they were going for right now. Brian felt that there was nothing he could say that wouldn't be frowned upon and he was tired of fighting. Exhausted.

He felt that he was losing his best friends.

For some time, he'd been living the dream. There were albums with several songs written by him, he was an important member of the band, there were guitar parts everywhere. He was an important part of Queen, and Queen was an important band. He was valued and had fans and admirers, and was helping to shape the musical scene for a generation. He was part of something great.

Brian felt that he had made the right choice in life and that he had the best partners in this amazing journey.

But he had let it go to his head, let himself grow complacent, and now he was not what the others wanted him to be. He had thought that the good times would go on forever, that he would be years and years on top of the world... But nothing lasted forever, and Brian felt that everything he had been working for was falling apart.

He was too traditional a musician for this new direction, or he just was too self centered and needed to put his guitar everywhere. Maybe the band had simply outgrown him and his need for attention, for solos, for recognition. He was like a child who wanted more and more noise and threw tantrums when people didn't pay attention to him, didn't do something he liked. But he didn't see himself with any other band that wasn't Queen. Maybe he should quit music altogether, maybe this was the logical necessary step to be taken.

Probably everyone would be happier if he stepped down and then Queen could (and would) find a new guitar player that would suit their needs better. Or maybe they would forget about guitars forever and just get a keyboard guy.

There was a part of Brian that wished for some sort of outcry when he was inevitably kicked out (maybe they had already discussed it, maybe they had already someone that could be his replacement prepared and were just waiting for an excuse to to kiss him goodbye) but he didn't have much hope for that.

The truth was, he was boring and repetitive and his love for his guitar and his solos was not exciting, or new, or extravagant in any way. It was just classic rock and roll, and maybe there was no place for it anymore. Maybe people had grown tired, and him leaving would be beneficial for everyone.

He could picture the voices saying that this was the best step for the band, that he'd become a dead weight and that this would make the band much better. They would call it a fresh start, the inflection point when Queen began to be really good. They would praise his replacement and say how much better they were, what a great group they had become now that they got rid of what was holding them back.

Brian thought of all this while on the door to the studio, unable to get in, getting slightly teary eyed. He didn't notice someone coming his way.

“Shit, Bri, are you crying?”

That was Roger's unmistakable voice. Damn, Roger was there looking at him with a cig in his mouth and an expression between bewilderment and worry in his big blue eyes. Roger wasn't thrilled about going to the studio either, to another session of bad vibes and fights and tension... He had his opinions, too, but hadn't wanted to get too much into it, hadn't wanted to step in that civil war between John and Brian.

“You ok?” Roger asked, since his first question had gone unanswered.

Brian certainly didn't look all right. He was paler than usual, there were dark shadows under his eyes, he seemed even bonier than usual. As if this whole drama had sucked what little flesh he had. Brian's hands were shaking too, he was a complete mess. Still, the worst part was the look in his eyes: tired, heartbroken, hopeless. He looked like an abandoned kicked puppy.

“Hey, Rog, I just.. I don't know if I can go to the studio today, I... I'm feeling a bit ill, just...”

“Why don't I invite you to a drink in the pub instead?”

Roger's eyes were smiling, happy to have an excuse to skip going in and glad he could help a friend. Brian gladly accepted. 

They had a nice chat about how off everything felt for them lately, about losing the grip on the music that they were doing, about feeling left out, about not wanting to repeat themselves but not wanting to do something that didn't feel theirs, and the tricky balance they aspired to reach between the two. It was nice, to be able to vent to someone that was understanding, to have a friendly ear.

Roger also assured Brian that of course there had been no talk of replacing him, of course they weren't going to get a keyboard guy instead of him ( _I would fight them physically, trust me, Bri, I would_ ) and that nobody was going to kick him him out. That he was just being a “paranoid little bitch”. At least it made Brian smile for a bit, so Roger counted it as a victory.

Yes, things had been rocky. There was tension, and there were songs that they didn't like. But they would get through these dark times and eventually, Roger was convinced, they would go back to a sound everyone was happy with, to being the well oiled machine that they used to be.

And in the mean time... While there was someone to listen and a place where they could drown their sorrows... they could still make it.

Yeah, they would pull through.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked maybe leave some feedback? Thanks!
> 
> Hope you liked and thanks for reading!


End file.
